AWP Panel Proposals Gone Wrong

Here follows a list of panel proposals I’m thinking about submitting to AWP (or maybe its alternate in a parallel universe). Co-presenters welcome!

1) Napalming Bridges: What NOT to Do in Response to Rejection Letters

2) Olympian Restraint: How to Avoid Poking Students in the Eye After They Say Their Five Year Old Sister Could Write Better Than Raymond Carver

3) You Saw My Blinker, Bitch!: Incorporating Will Smith Lyrics into Your Pedagogy

4) You Really Hurt My Feelings But Hey, It’s Like, Whatever: Shrugging Off Negative or Non-Existent Book Reviews

5) I’m Going to Garrote You with Your iPod Cord!: Curbing Extemporaneous Technology in the Classroom

6) I’m Not Homeless, I Promise: Male Creative Writing Professors and Their Facial Hair

7) Dude, I Know You’re High: What to Do With Students Who Are Staring at Their Hands and Giggling

8) Are You Gonna Finish That?: the Ethics of Softcore Plagiarism When You Overhear Someone Say Something Really Cool That You Just Know They’re Never Going to Put in Their Own Writing, Anyway

9) Stickers and Cupcakes: the Cornerstones of Any Memorable and Effective Lecture

10) Wrong Way Down a One Way Street: How to Gently Change Subjects When a Student Answers a Question By Telling Long, Complex Stories About Relatives and Friends You Don’t Know, Beginning with "This Reminds Me Of..." Followed By, "You Probably Had to Be There..." and Several Minutes of Additional Storytelling

11) Do What I Say, Not What I Do: a Guide to Surviving Typos in Your Syllabus and Lesson Plans

12) Caffeine and Chainsaws: How to Motivate Aspiring Writers… and Yourself!

13) Um… Security? Fuck. Security?!: Confronting Students You Haven’t Seen In Months Who Might Actually Be Crazy People Off the Street

14) I’m the Guy Who Sent You Those Poems You Didn’t Want… So, How You Been?: a Pragmatic Guide to Conference Networking

15) Dude, You Kind of Stink: Drawing the Line on Hygiene in the Classroom

16) Christmas in March: How to Use Office Supplies to Print Off Your Own Manuscripts… and Not Get Caught!

17) Hey, Everybody, Look at the Dancing Bear!: Coping with Technology Malfunctions in the Classroom

18) Look Up, Dammit! I'm Missing Reruns of Battlestar Galactica for This!: on the Benefits of Maintaining Eye Contact During Public Readings

19) Help Me Help You: How to Increase Appreciation for Constructive Criticism Using Magic and a Small Animal Sacrifice

20) Sport Coat and Jeans: Cost-Effective Attire for a Creative Writing Instructor in the 21st Century

21) No, This Isn't Him But I Just Found This Cell Phone Lying in the Alley and There's Broken Glass Everywhere... Oh, No... Better Call the Police!: What to Do When A Student's Phone Rings During Class

22) Thirteen Ways of Padding a CV: How to Take the Simplest Things You Do and Make Them Sound Really Goddamn Impressive

23) Oh, You Bought a House AND a Cup of Coffee?: How to Talk to Tenure-Line Colleagues Without Weeping

24) Staring at the Wall Until it Becomes a Window: on Maintaining a Positive Attitude as a 21st Century American Writer

25) Are You Fucking Serious?!: Keeping Your Cool While Negotiating With the Insurance Company Over the Cost of Your Anxiety and/or Depression Medication

26) Is That an Apple or a Volkswagen?: Coping With Sleep Deprivation and Mild Hallucinations During Finals Week

27) Tweet This!: Self-Restraint in The Age of Social Media

28) There is No Santa Claus: Responding to Enthusiastic Students Who, When Asked About Their Career Goals, Declare Their Intention to Make a Living Off Writing

29) Please Note That This is a Simultaneous Submission: the Benefits and Pitfalls of Romantic Relationships Between Writers

30) Dear Editor: a Guide to Impressing Your Family and Finally Assuaging Their Fears Over Your Career Choice By Appearing in the Local Paper

31) Five Thousand Years, Huh?: Coping with Creationists in the Modern Composition Classroom

32) Coffee, Whiskey, and Pot... Oh, My!: Coping Mechanisms of Modern Writers (Or So I Hear)

33) Bow Ties are Cool!: Crafting Clever Writing Prompts From Doctor Who Episodes

34) Hi. Yeah. You're Kind of a Dick: Maintaining Polite, Professional Conversations with Insufferably Pretentious Writers (breakout session)

35) OK, Bring Me a Diving Helmet, a Wrench, Two Zeppelins, and a Nail Gun: Working Steampunk Themes into Your Office and/or Classroom Decor

36) Your Love is Like the Moon/I Hope I See You Soon: Aspiring Writers and Rhyme

37) I Am a Snowflake on the Painted Eyelash of the World: Ego in the Modern Writing Workshop

38) Jack(be(an (haPPy)-man in tHIS/Y[ewe] stalk) upuupUP: a Guide to Faux-Experimental Writing

39) Wikipedia and Youtube: a Writer's Best Friends

40) Meanwhile, people/come flooding into the suburbs: a Guide to Recognizing and Avoiding Unintentionally Sexual Line Breaks

41) So You Want to Wear a Beret and Shop at Goodwill: Getting an MFA in Poetry

42) Wanna Get an Organic Smoothie and Discuss French Theorists?: a Guide to Awkward Flirtation Among Writers

43) Oh, Please, Applause is Just So Totally Derivative: How to Appear Kewl While Expressing Childlike Delight Over Good Literature

44) Stick Me With a Pin Until I Tell You It's Tuesday: the Unconventional Sexual Habits of Writers

45) Seriously, If You Call Him Jack, I Will Literally Beat You With a Chair: Naming Your Characters in a Modern Story or Screenplay

46) Helter Skelter and Twilight: Reclaiming Catchy Words and Phrases that Have Been Unfairly Appropriated By the Sniveling Lapdogs of Hell

47) Some Dudes Like Dudes, Get Over It: Dealing With Classroom Resistance to Homosexual Writers

48) Be Smart. Be Funny. Don't Be a Dick: How to Maximize Brevity When Describing Your Pedagogy to Potential Hiring Committees in a Hypothetical, Perfect World

49) I Can Say You're Awesome Or I Can Say You Suck, But Dammit, I'm Gonna Say Something!: Writers/Professors as Representatives of the Universities Where They Teach

50) No, But I Really DO Like Sushi, Boxing, and Miles Davis!: What to Do as a Culturally Sensitive, Liberal-Minded, Straight White Male Academic When You Realize Everything You Like is Actually Kind of a Cliche, But Hey, You Like it Anyway

51) Yes, I Know It's Wrong, But I'm Fucking Hungry: How to Avoid Arguments With Militant Vegetarian Colleagues

52) Humblebrag: How to Praise Your Writing and/or Publishing Prowess Over Social Media While Simultaneously Appearing Rebellious and Self-Deprecating

53) Yeah, at That Last Meeting, We All Discussed Why We Don't Like You: Paranoia and its Function in the Modern Writer's Psyche

54) You Know Who's REALLY Like Hitler? Hitler: Rebutting Wild Exaggerations in Composition/Argument Papers and/or Socially-Minded Poems and Stories

55) Is That You, Falstaff?: Calling Out Fellow Writers Who Greatly and Habitually Embellish Their Accomplishments to Impress Young, Attractive Undergrads

56) Emergency Room... Wait, Didn't I See You at the Mall?: Encouraging Good Attendance in English Classes

57) OK, Ginsberg, You Rock But... NAMBLA?!: on the Difficulty (and Occasional Necessity) of Separating Writers From Their Writing

58) Go Eat Some Jell-O and Look at a Tree: Discouraging Self-Indulgence and Suicide Among Writers

59) Persephone Who?: on the Use (and Overuse) of Literary Figures in Writing

60) Damn, I Bit My Tongue and it Really Hurts!: Remembering that Despite Contributing a Verse to What Whitman Called "The Powerful Play," We're All Still Something of a Beautiful Disaster