Sunday, July 24, 2016

Fourteen Glaring Plot Holes in Star Trek Beyond

Warning: the following list is more or less bristling with butthurt spoilers about the cinematic spacewreck hilariously known as Star Trek Beyond, so proceed at your own risk.

1) Why didn't the main villain (whose name is simply too stupid and derivative to type) just use his conveniently extended lifespan, extensive technology, and swarm of salvaged alien ships to, you know, to leave the planet?

2) Why was a marooned Starfleet captain blaming Starfleet for not answering a message they obviously never received?

3) Who was the race that originally found the missing piece of the super-weapon, how did they find it, and what were they doing with it before Kirk got it? Since it seems at first to be totally useless, how did they even know it was a weapon?

4) Why did the planet on which Butthurt Supervillain and his pseudo-Jem-Hadar had been marooned have all that deadly technology abandoned on it in the first place?

5) How far did Sulu's husband and daughter travel to meet him at the Yorktown starbase if the Enterprise had already been exploring for three years?

6) Why did Mannis, Butthurt Supervillain's right hand man, show some reluctance to kill Enterprise crew members but seem totally pumped about killing another innocent woman who had been marooned on the planet?

7) Speaking of Jaylah, how did she generate the power to cloak the U.S.S. Franklin for YEARS, right under the nose of a well-armed enemy who also happened to have a boatload of scanning equipment? Is the answer really just that she's awful plucky?

8) And while we're on the subject of scanning equipment, if transmissions can't pass through the nebula, how was Butthurt Supervillain spying on Starfleet? The answer can't be Unnamed Alien Technology, because the original source of his tantrum was the fact that the nebula was preventing him from calling home (presumably, even with all the new tech he'd acquired).

9) I get the red shirt cliche but is the senior bridge crew really so unfazed by the gruesome needless deaths of at least half of their shipmates, easily more than were killed on any previous mission?

10) Scotty says he pulled some strings so Jaylah can enter Starfleet now, if she wants. Never mind the absurdity of not asking her first; is entering Starfleet really as easy as all that? I seem to remember that even supergenius Wesley Crusher had some trouble getting in. (Then again, I guess Kirk didn't.)

11) Regarding Butthurt Supervillain's motivations, even if we accept that he was so stupid that he didn't understand the nature of the nebula he'd just passed through, decided Starfleet had turned its back on him, and plotted revenge... and also conveniently discovered an abandoned fleet of alien ships... why did he sit around doing nothing, decade after decade? If he didn't want to launch his attack until after he'd obtained Unspecified Alien Superweapon, was his plan really to just wait patiently until somebody brought it to him?

12) And is that actually what happened?! I mean, did Kirk really just happen to have the before-mentioned superweapon in a locker, just kinda chillin', after he botched a mission to give it away to a different race that otherwise had no bearing whatsoever on the story?

13) Okay, if Butthurt Supervillain knew said weapon was in a locker on the Enterprise, why didn't he just send someone to steal it?! How did he know Kirk wouldn't leave it behind, or return it to its previous owners, or just toss it out a damn window since it appeared to be useless? Why send an agent to lure in the whole Enterprise and set a complex and costly trap for its arrival, when he could have just told her to pick the lock and take something nobody even cared about?

14) Lastly, whose dumbass idea was it to have the whole cast join in reciting the closing "Space: the Final Frontier" monologue, which sounded like an ultra-cringe-worthy homage to the concluding voiceover in The Breakfast Club?

There are probably even more rants I could rant, but I think that's enough to prove my basic point that this spacefaring version of Fast and Furious has no business existing in a franchise known as much for creativity and philosophical storytelling as for its epic space-battles.

Put another way: Shaka, when the walls fell

1 comment:

  1. There are so many plot holes in Bryond, it is absurd. Given how much money is spent on these movies you'd think a bit more effort would go into the script. Adding to your list: Why didn't Yorktown command centre simply beam Butthurt Supervillain out of the chamber? Kirk didn't need to go after him. And why did Butthurt Supervillain need alien superweapon? His hive was far more powerful. The superweapon could easily be neutralised with the aid of a transporter. Also Jaylah's cloaking of the Franklin made no sense: This was Butthurt Supervillain's ship. He knew its location. Given the Franklin's good condition, he could have been able to escape from the planet after a few months particularly after discovering alien technology. But if he really couldn't find a way to use the Franklin to escape, why did he abandon it in tact? Sure it would have been scraped for parts in order to aid survival on the planet. Finally, Butthurt Supervillain's base seemed too small given how many soldiers he had. Jaylah, Kirk and co were able to rescue the crew way too easily. But I still preferred this movie to Into Darkness.

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